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JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work
in a chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent organizational skills and be
willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and
weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight
travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on
rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway
cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed.
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RESPONSIBILITIES:
For the rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated at least
temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be
willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the
physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to
60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams
from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such
as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck
zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must
have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of
all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be dispensable
one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly
and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys
and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best
but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete
accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial
work throughout the facility.
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POSSIBILITY FOR PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for
years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating
your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass
you.
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PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a
continually exhausting basis.
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WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon
payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption
that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing
about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it
and wish you could only do more.
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BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are
offered, the job supplies limitless opportunities for personal
growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
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