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General
Never take a beer to a job interview. Always identify people
in your yard before shooting at them. It's considered tacky to
take a cooler to church. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is
time to change the sheets. Even if you're certain that you are
included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a
U-Haul to the funeral home.
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Dining Out
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper
cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of
the wine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always
hold it with your fingers covering the label.
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Entertaining In Your Home
A centerpiece for the table should never be
anything prepared by a taxidermist. Do
not allow the dog to eat at the table...
no matter how good his manners are.
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Personal Hygiene
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. Proper
use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good
money. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social
no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and
alter the taste of finger foods.
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Dating (Outside The Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
date. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been
wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom
wall two years ago." Establish with her parents what time she is
expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday."
If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get
her to school on time.
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Theater Etiquette
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended. Refrain from talking to characters on the
screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
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Weddings
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you
shot. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure
suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can
create a tacky appearance. Though uncomfortable, say
"yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
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Driving Etiquette
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop,
the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never
tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. When sending your
wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring
back beer. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
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