Are you considering having children?
To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience,
we suggest you take this set of simple tests...
MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in
the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons.
Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may
use roofing tacks or broken bottles). Have a friend spread them all
over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or
kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them
with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them
in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a
small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend
from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to
insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios)
into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane.
Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds
of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8PM begin to waltz and hum
with the bag until 9PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for
10PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever
heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4AM.
Set alarm for 5AM. Get up and make breakfast.
Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter.
Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food
store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be
directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper.
Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they
can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and
child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize
to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy
this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
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